What If We Asked Each Other About the Loneliest We Have Ever Been?

Dedicated to the memory of Leelah Alcorn (11/15/97- 12/28/14), who I never had the privilege to know, and Christian Medved (05/13/94- 02/06/13), who I did.

“Without community, there can be no liberation.”

– Audre Lorde, “The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House”

Dear John & Paul, We Kind of Do Know Where All the Lonely People Come From

This month, a writer and publisher named Kristen Radtke came out with an article in The Atlantic called “What’s the Loneliest You’ve Ever Felt?”

Describing the occasion of her research about loneliness, Radtke explains that Americans continue to suffer under the influence of “notions of self-reliance and the attendant bootstrap-pulling, frontier-conquering, and make-it-on-your-own ideologies.” She writes,

Researchers claim that loneliness will be classified an epidemic by 2030, and the former U.S. Surgeon General has described loneliness as one of the country’s most pressing health risks. The effects of social isolation are so severe that studies have shown that it actually has the power to remap the makeup of human cells. So what happens to a society in which independence is so often the goal and isolation is frequently the result?

I came across Radtke’s project at a time when I have been doing a lot of thinking about the ways in which loneliness and social justice intertwine (hey 2018, you unapologetically fascist tapeworm). The topic has been on my mind even more often lately because I have been reading David Wojnarowicz’s incredible memoir Close to the Knives, and considering the ways in which the AIDS epidemic produced a generation of lonely people by taking their friends, partners, and loved ones away from them.*

Thinking about loneliness in the context of the world around me also makes me think of the immigrant families who are ripped apart from each other by deportation or the threat of starvation and violence in their home countries. I once read about the immigrant mothers who work housekeeping jobs in the U.S. and spend the entire day with FaceTime open so that they can feel like they are at home with their kids. I cannot imagine a deeper kind of missing: the obligation to take care of another person’s home, and perhaps even their children, so that your own can survive another day.

Ultimately, thinking about the social and political sources of loneliness makes the moments in which I have felt most lonely seem shallow in comparison. Eating lunch alone, for example, is nothing like watching purple sores form on the unlined face of the love of your life, to see him dead by winter, or watching your children’s stomachs bloat from malnutrition. Not to mention countless other examples of deep, expansive aloneness in this country of ours: the dehumanization of Native Americans as they were shorn like sheep, forbidden to speak their own languages, violated, and killed until many were the last survivors of their tribes; the isolation of trans women like Leelah Alcorn, who killed herself at 17 after her homophobic parents put her in conversion therapy; and the alienation of the brave people who endure bullying and prejudice as a result of living with disabilities.** But if I have learned anything from my years in therapy, it is that the politics of the “oppression olympics” are never productive. They do not help ourselves or those enduring situations that we perceive to be worse. In other words, we can acknowledge our advantages at the same time as we acknowledge that our suffering is very real to us. In light of that idea, I will (nervously) share some of my loneliest days with you all.

Peep My Privileged Malaise: An Opera in Three Acts

I grew up in a loving family, so most of my experiences with loneliness resulted from the difficulty I had making friends in school and forging the kind of connections I wanted with others. It isn’t easy to write about these moments, but I think that what is beautiful about Radtke’s project is its capacity to bring us together through a very elemental human experience. In these “divided times” (a cliche I find fitting here, but also somewhat gross-sounding), we need to practice vulnerability more than ever, so I will write a few of them here–even if it chips away at my pride a little bit.  

1) In eighth grade, we went a class trip to tour colleges. With “alarming specificity”, as Radtke suggests, I remember sitting alone in the back of the bus on an eight hour bus ride listening to Modest Mouse’s “Dramamine” (a song that appropriately featured on the 1996 album This a Long Drive for Someone with Nothing to Think About) on repeat on my pink iPod Video. I remember being stuck on one line of that song in particular: “I think I knew my geography pretty damn well,” even though I didn’t quite understand what it meant. Everyone was singing and laughing together in the front of the bus, a scene that was pretty familiar to me at the time, and I remember feeling like I would never know what it was like to have fun with people my own age. That sixteen-hour trip felt like the longest and quietest period of my life, a single, aching moment stretched over the state of California. Today, it makes me sad that I gave up so quickly on the possibility of an existence that included companionship.

2) I went through a pretty exquisitely painful break up in my sophomore year of college. At the time, I was living in a house that was relatively far away from campus, and I used to walk for thirty-five minutes or so to get to and from my classes. Most days, I would walk to campus, go to class, and then come home to read before sleeping. Sometimes, I would take the bus downtown, so I could walk along the waterfront or go to the bookstore, but other than that, I barely went anywhere or saw anyone socially. During this ghosting era of my relationship, my ex-boyfriend would occasionally leave me messages in the “Drafts” of a joint email account that we used to send each other messages and music. My day-to-day life felt wholly centered on walking to school in the morning and constantly refreshing that email account at night. I was waiting for any kind of message from the person that I loved, feeling pathetic and crazy and lost. At some point, I felt like I was losing the ability to talk to other people casually, as if I could not pretend to relate to their normal, busy lives.  

3) I had the opportunity to study abroad as a junior in college, and ended up choosing to live in Granada, Spain. There, I lived with one of my best friends in a host family’s piso near the Plaza de Toros. One night, we were all at a club that catered to American international students. Lately, I had been feeling like a lot of my friends didn’t actually want to experience the country, its culture, or what people in town were really like, but instead just wanted to party in a foreign city with cheaper drinks. It was sort of frustrating, but the reality was, I was letting my own bitterness exaggerate that reality. In fact, there were a lot of beautiful, exploratory people in my program, I was just too blind and self-interested to see things for what they really were.

Anyway, that night, I left this club feeling sort of angry and off and alone. I was kind of tired of ~the greatest hits of Pitbull***~ and middle-aged pulpos yanking strands of my hair as I walked by. And though I was sober as a judge (as a gopher? as a church mouse? I’m not sure which it is, but the point is was I not drinking at that time.), of course I got lost. Even though I wasn’t all that far from home, and the streets were filled with people, I was already feeling on edge that day, and after rooting around for the right narrow street for a while, I started panicking at some point, tripping over cobblestones in my heels and getting all teary-eyed. It was one of those moments where the trigger for an existential crisis isn’t itself something major, you just find yourself in an inconvenient situation and then, all of the sudden, you find yourself asking what am I doing here?, why am I the way that I am?, and why you can’t I seem to talk or act or exist in the precise way that I want to? It was the straw that broke the lonely camel’s back, or something like that.

At that moment, a young man and his partner, a beautiful woman with a wide, smile, approached me on the street and asked me if I was okay. I said yes, but we both agreed that the answer was probably no. This couple was–incredibly–from Sinaloa, the state in Mexico where I spent the happiest days of my childhood, a sure sign from the powers that be.  It’s hard to explain now, but in the most non-creepy way you can possibly imagine, the man wiped a few tears from my temple, pointed me the way home, and asked me if I needed help finding a taxi.

I end on this slightly maudlin tear-wiping scene to assert that thankfully, not all of the loneliest moments of our lives end in flatness or tragedy or even a more intense form of loneliness, though all of those progressions are common. Instead, by talking and writing about them, comparing them, and studying their contours– the ways in which they are caused by both our own actions and the things about society that we can’t hope to control– maybe we can see something worthwhile in the loneliest moments of our lives.

How Can We Be There for One Another?

We are given so many opportunities to reach out to one another. Just last week, I was substitute teaching at a local elementary school, and I saw a student sitting alone on the blacktop at recess, her eyes full of tears that had not fallen yet. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she felt left out, and like no one really wanted to play with her. I could actually hear my heart cracking while I thrummed my fingers on the blacktop, thinking of how to respond. I thought of vague platitudes that I heard, sitting alone on a low fence at my own elementary recesses (“Of course they want to play with you!” “Have you asked that group of kids over there if they want to play?”), but I couldn’t bring myself to say any of them to her, knowing exactly how useless they would seem. I sat her with silently, trying to give her company without cliches, thinking of other times I had failed to comfort another solitary human being. Once, for example, in college, another freshman asked to sit down with me at lunch, and I gave a stupid, nervous excuse without thinking about leaving in a just a minute. As I went back to my dorm that day, I felt like a hypocrite. The universe was giving me this chance to show someone community– to remind him that although every person contains a complex and singular universe, our elemental differences are ultimately negligible– and I rejected him because I felt momentarily awkward.

As I drove home from teaching that day, I vowed that I would work harder to extend my hand and heart to those who feel like they have no one and who are convinced that they are insignificant. Sometimes, this requires us to give up little pieces of our own pride– kind of like the old Rainbow Fish methodology, but in a way that allows those pieces of pride to transform, to be worn as a feeling of comfort or solidarity on the skin of someone else. Though he was talking about creating art at the time, David Foster Wallace once wrote about “having the discipline to talk out the part of yourself that can love rather than the part of yourself that wants to be loved.”**** In my mind, as we confront this epidemic of loneliness, that kind of discipline feels less like a virtue and more like an obligation.

Footnotes

* There are so many incredible pieces of art devoted to the AIDS epidemic. For those who may not be interested in Wojnarowicz’s lyrical memoir, I highly recommend the documentary How to Survive a Plague, which focuses primarily on ACT UP. If you are an American who cares at all about issues of public health, the creation of legislation, governmental corruption, and human rights, I believe that this documentary is required reading.

** Some particularly inspiring people in my life have been Lizzie Velasquez, a woman with Marfanoid-progeroid-lipodystrophy syndrome, who internet trolls labeled the “Ugliest Woman in the World,”and Sam Berns, an amazing young man who lived with progeria

***Caveat: “Timber” is the greatest pop song of 2013. Change my mind.

**** This quotation comes to us from an interview with DFW originally published in The Review of Contemporary Fiction:

Further Reading

Though I could include some classic *white-man-experiences-existential-dread* texts here (i.e. Notes from Underground, Walden, or really anything from the Western canon), for further reading on loneliness, I am going to suggest just a few books here that explore uncommon angles of the phenomenon.

Exile and Pride by Eli Clare: I keep returning to this book, especially as the Trump Administration continues to denigrate and devalue the lives of transgender people. Clare does an incredible job talking about what it is like to grow up queer and disabled in a rural town (Port Orford, Oregon), and importantly highlights the ways in which queer Americans living outside of urban centers have survived isolation and exile.

Stranger in the Woods, by Michael Finkel: This work of nonfiction is Finkel’s account of Christopher Knight, who lived in the woods of Maine for 27 years without speaking to another person (with the exception of one brief “hello” to a hiker passing by). Finkel examines famous hermits both religious and secular to examine why Knight may have retreated to the woods. The most fascinating element of the story, though, is the way in which Knight resists classification and negates our attempts to save him from his alleged psychological distress– so much so, in fact, that removing him from his peaceful solitude feels less like a rescue and more like a kind of violence. An easy but provocative piece.

A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit: This book, which I also featured in my last post, made me rethink what it means to be both lost and alone. With her impeccable attention to historical and political detail, Solnit examines everything from Álvar Núñez Cabeza de Vaca’s life among the indigenous peoples of the Americas to the color blue in order to explore facets of aloneness that you may never have considered before.

A Note

If you feel comfortable, share your loneliest moment(s) with me at berthamasonsattic@gmail.com.

15 Comments

  1. I think the loneliest I ever felt was when I moved to Kansas City. At a certain point I had no friends, and I would spend the whole weekend by myself, talking to almost no one. I think about that time a lot. Like you, I try to make sure I am looking out for people who are in that place, who need someone to lend a hand and help them feel less alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The loneliest I’ve ever felt is today during thanksgiving! I travel consistently and I love my career but I just envisioned the fun my wife and family are having fun and I wish I was there ya know. Time is something you can’t get back.

      Like

  2. 大陆消息
    大陆消息(2018.11.18)
    发表日期: 2018年11月18日
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    中国大陆学员近期遭迫害案例
    大陆综合消息

    男:下面是本周收到的中国大陆学员近期遭迫害案例

    女:湖北宜昌市夷陵区法轮功学员黄代淼因微信加群讲真相,二零一七年五月十二日被绑架、非法关押,二零一八年四月十二日被非法判刑四年、勒索罚金一万元,上诉于二零一八年七月二十日被中级法院非法驳回,维持冤判。

    男:黑龙江省宾县白丽艳、宋久香、谭桂琴、谭红梅、徐凤、李维库、白丽杰等二十多位法轮功学员十一月九日(星期五)同时在家中被绑架。同一天,哈尔滨市刘国良、王凤兰、杜凤华、陆桂花等数十位法轮功学员被绑架,大庆市白玉福、闫玉珍、戴益、孟繁荣、瞿延来、王菊艳、赵文广、郑红军等十七位法轮功学员被绑架。

    女:辽宁省朝阳市法轮功学员牟丽华曾患血癌,二零零三年修炼法轮功获新生。二零一六年八月二十四日被绑架关押后旧病复发,北票法院将重病的牟丽华无罪枉判五年刑,被劫持监狱。二零一八年五月份,新华分局将牟丽华从监狱劫回当地看守所,被龙城法院罗列罪名加刑三年,共枉判八年重刑,牟丽华被迫害的病情加重。目前据可靠消息牟丽华已被劫持回监狱一个多月。

    男:河南省焦作市法轮功学员许玉盘,因依法控告中共前头目江泽民,二零一五年十二月三日遭警察绑架,后被非法判刑三年,在河南省新乡女子监狱被迫害致命悬一线时才被释放。许玉盘回到家后不久,于二零一八年十月十七日含冤离世。

    女:下面请听大陆综合消息

    巴中市十名法轮功学员被开庭 辩护人要求无罪释放

    四川省巴中市十名法轮功学员张明朗、张新伟、陈国琼、岳映聪、周丽华、代万义、杨家顺、康尊六、祝天贵、孙容,被巴中市巴州区检察院非法起诉到法院,十一月七日开庭,律师与家属辩护人依法一一驳倒公诉人的所谓“指控”,要求无罪释放。

    十一月七日,能容纳两三百人的巴中市巴中区法院第十审判庭对旁听听众开放,上午十点所谓“张明朗案”开庭,直到晚上十点结束。这次庭审中审判长口气平和,给予控辩双方宽松的时间,没有打断律师的辩护,也给予当事人充分述说的机会。律师对当事人于情、于理、于法作了充分的辩护。此次被非法起诉的法轮功学员中八十岁以上的有两位,七十岁以上的有六位。

    开庭后,自我辩护期间,法轮功学员代万义不紧不慢地有问必答,不放弃讲清真相的机会。审判长问代万义你还有什么要说的?“有!关于诉江,两高在你们之上,两高都没有说我们违法。”

    法轮功学员陈国琼的女儿陈湘出庭为母亲做了无罪辩护。面对看守所里关了十个多月的母亲,她没有哭泣。她表示,母亲多年劳累过度,腰椎间盘突出加骨质增生,家里也实在没有钱去治疗,所以当时就只能躺在床上,为了不给家人增加负担进入了修炼,她克服困难炼功学法,身体恢复了正常,之后也没再生过病。陈湘说,根据宪法第四十一条,公民对于任何国家机关和国家工作人员的违法失职行为,有向有关国家机关提出申诉、控告或者检举的权利,有关国家机关必须查清事实,负责处理,任何人不得压制和打击报复,所以我妈妈陈国琼控告江泽民是合法合理的。

    律师从多个角度为法轮功学员进行了辩护。庭辩中律师及亲属辩护人论述得很成功,没有顾虑。

    有人注意到审判长和公诉人都对庭审中法轮功学员谈到法轮功祛病健身的效果不敢相信,审判长一再提醒当事人,“你们修炼真、善、忍,要讲真啊”。对于修炼大法的超常,他们感到不可思议。

    这次庭审,控辩双方能不受约束地敞开辩论,法庭也表现出了人性化,120急救中心来人全天守候,以防万一;执勤的三、四个法警基本都是坐着的,没有给旁听人或者辩护人压力。

    男:福建省彭雪峰被厦门高铁站劫持的经历

    今年五月二十九日,福建省浦城县法轮功学员彭雪峰,在厦门高铁站购票,准备返回浦城县。在厦门高铁站上动车时,被高铁站派出所劫持,后遭非法扣押和抄家。

    今年四月三十日,法轮功学员彭雪峰(又名彭汉武)去泉州外甥女家喝喜酒,顺便到厦门逗留。五月二十九日,在厦门高铁站被扣留。高铁站派出所警察翻出彭雪峰的笔记本电脑和真相币,将他劫持到派出所。

    警察张先家及特警非法审讯。张先家说道:你是参加过李洪志师父学习班的,且因法轮功的事,多次受过处罚,最糟糕的是,你被(非法)劳教过两年,却拒绝“转化”,今天我也“转化”不了你,你把电脑打开,我们看看,没什么问题的话,你就可以回家,否则你就回不了家了。

    张再次要求彭雪峰打开电脑,遭到彭雪峰拒绝。张先家叫嚣:“零口供,我都可以办掉(指迫害到)你。”彭雪峰不为所动。

    警察张先家等见审讯无果,中午,厦门警方通知浦城县国保大队到厦门带走彭雪峰。傍晚,浦城县国保刘强、辛某某及石陂派出所教导员徐爱武三人赶到厦门。厦门警方把非法扣下的笔记本电脑、手机、真相币交给浦城县警察。

    五月三十日下午,浦城警方把彭雪峰直接带到石陂派出所,要求彭雪峰打开笔记本电脑。彭雪峰道:我笔记本里没有任何见不得人的东西,且公民的隐私权受法律的保护,今天你就是把我脑袋砍下来,我都不会给你打开。

    于是,刘强带着随行的两个警察,他们出示搜查证后,抄了彭雪峰的家,抢走两本《转法轮》、一本《洪吟四》及法轮功师父二零一六、二零一七年的讲法打印本,一些真相币、四张画等。随后扬长而去。后来,手机归还了,其余物品仍被扣押。

    女:哈尔滨市至少40名法轮功学员遭非法抓捕

    据报道,十一月九日,黑龙江省大庆市已知十七位法轮功学员被非法抓捕,同一天,哈尔滨市和周边县大约四十位法轮功学员被非法抓捕,一位法轮功学员走脱,六位法轮功学员已回家,一位被骚扰。据悉,这次的绑架是黑龙江省公检法司部门的邪恶蓄谋已久的阴谋,警察是拿着名单到法轮功学员家进行绑架的。

    男:严正声明

    本周二百四十八名大法学员严正声明一切不符合大法的言行全部作废,表示要加倍弥补给大法造成的损失,坚修大法到底。

    女:世人觉醒

    本周一百七十二名觉醒世人郑重声明,以前所写、所说、所做对大法、对师父不利的言行全部作废。相信法轮大法好,支持法轮大法,弥补过错。

    男:下面请听人心与因果

    酷刑折磨法轮功学员 伊春市王学刚遭恶报车毁人亡

    二零一八年十一月的一天下午,黑龙江伊春市警察王学刚开着别人的出租车,在丰林高速公路上与对面驶来的一辆大货车相撞,王学刚车毁人亡,死相非常惨,胳膊都断在了车里。

    王学刚是奋斗派出所的片警,每次中共迫害法轮功学员时,刑警队队长在各派出所抽打手,组成所谓专案组干坏事,每次都有王学刚做刑警队的打手。

    一九九九年七月,江泽民犯罪集团迫害法轮功后,王学刚通过迫害法轮功学员往上爬,从一个片警爬到刑警队。金山屯区很多法轮功学员在被逼供时都有王学刚参与,迫害手段残忍。

    黑龙江伊春市金山屯区丰茂林场被迫害失去双脚的王新春,二零零八年十二月遭恶警迫害,当时陶绪伟、王学刚、王海龙、孙立龙、曹万才、王士臣一拥而上对王新春踩头、踩脚、腿、胳膊、身体,把胳膊反背过去,用手铐反铐,对他身体进行暴力摧残。王学刚极为残忍卖力。

    二零一五年法轮功学员控告江泽民,法轮功学员张春华、马桂琴、钱志奎相继被六一零绑架关押拘留逼供,最后被王学刚开警车送到伊春乌马河看守所关押七天。

    到目前公安局那些酷刑折磨法轮功学员的恶警有的已遭恶报。李德文、陶绪伟开车与牡丹江客车相撞,造成车毁人亡,李德文也死亡了。

    女:胡欣跳楼身亡 给中共宣传部门人员的警钟

    中共机关报《人民日报》旗下杂志《新闻战线》前总编辑胡欣,二零一八年十一月六日从该报社三十六号楼十九楼跃下身亡,终年六十六岁。有网络媒体称胡欣生前疑患抑郁症。网络也流传胡欣自杀的原因,遭网管删除。

    胡欣一九九零年进入《人民日报》理论部工作,一九九八~二零零四年任《人民论坛》杂志社总编辑,做过理论部部务委员,二零零八年底任人民日报社《新闻战线》杂志社总编辑。中共喉舌《人民日报》及其《人民论坛》、《新闻战线》在江泽民迫害法轮功期间大量发表污蔑、丑化法轮功和法轮功创始人、丑化法轮功修炼者的文章,并在海内外媒体上大肆转载,为江泽民迫害法轮功制造舆论。

    《人民日报》的一名记者邱明伟,曾经是《人民日报》麾下《人民论坛》的副主编,因他曾帮助过法轮功学员,为躲避政治迫害,前些时到了海外避难,他揭示出一个事实:记者、编辑常常被迫造假。因为,用一个造假记者的话说:“不造假就没有饭吃”。

    因造假有功,欺骗愚弄百姓有力,中共给了胡欣最高的荣誉:《新闻战线》曾连续三年在中国新闻奖评选中,获奖总数居中国新闻专业刊物之首。

    从古至今,诽谤佛法、迫害修炼人罪恶极大,必遭天谴!谁也逃脱不了。而且人间的报应只是为了警醒世人,地狱的报应那才是偿还恶业的过程,还会殃及子子孙孙。

    明慧网发表的《诽谤法轮功 百名宣传部门官员遭恶报》一文揭示了一百多个利用媒体污蔑法轮功遭恶报的实例。其中自杀式的报应有十几起:

    1、中共理论刊物《求是》杂志副主编朱铁志在单位地下车库自缢死亡;

    2、《人民日报》副刊主编徐怀谦跳楼自杀;

    3、西安灞桥区宣传部长张浩然在西安市水晶岛酒店割腕自杀;

    4、新华社安徽分社副社长、总编辑宋斌在办公室自缢死亡;

    5、深圳《晶报》原编委、广告部总经理张敬武自杀;

    6、杭州《都市快报》副总编徐行忧郁症自杀;

    7、北京《体坛周报》女编辑李颖跳河自杀;

    8、广东佛山三水区委宣传部长郑运安坠楼死亡;

    9、黑龙江大庆市红岗区区委宣传部庞宝来迫害法轮功,跳楼自杀。

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Loneliness can be a very touchy subject. Many of the people I know (myself included more often than not) often just say “I’m good” when asked how we are. Often, I think it’s a conditioned thing and we don’t actually recognize it when we say it. Frankly, I feel a sense of loneliness quite often. I’m not sure why it happens, but maybe it has something to do with a lack of fulfillment? Perhaps it has something to do with not keeping busy enough? I think it really comes from a lack of self love and confidence. But, that’s just me.
    Loved the article BTW: definitely a lot to take in and think about. Thank you for sharing it with us!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Loneliest moment I can feel was when I felt my life is not good enough and I saw other’s Instagram post about their perfect life. Weddings, proposals, cool hang out places, bright future, etc etc.

    That is when all of my friends and people who actually care for me doesn’t matter to me at all. I just forgot about them. Always seeking something that I don’t have.

    Like

  5. I mentioned in my reply to your previous post that I was a bouncer at a pub in Halifax.

    Every night we heard mostly the same music, with some minor deviation over the course of any set of three nights in a row.

    Eventually, my best friend was working at the same pub with me, and knowing how much I hated it (and precisely why) he would regularly ask them to play “Timber” near the end of the night, to drive me insane.

    It worked.

    Now when I hear that song, it instantly fills me with violent rage, doleful loss, nails-on-chalkboard cringing, and some mild amusing nostalgia.

    In short: it is Pitbull’s most annoying song, and now you and I are mortal enemies! 😆

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What a great blog post! I know when I was in college and I changed my major from biology to humanities, I felt very lonely because all of my friends were in science classes. I like that I can empathize with the college students I work with who may be experiencing this.

    Liked by 2 people

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